Hold On to Nothing
by Mae1
Summary: The return of a lost love causes Sean to reexamine his choices and the path his life has taken.


Hold On to Nothing

Bella and Will. 

It hurts now just as much as it did the first time I heard the words said out loud.  The pain and disbelief lingers there for a few seconds, but quickly dissipates as I realize that it's true and has been for many years.   I should be over it by now, but I'm not.  Not so much because I refuse to, but because I just…can't.  I loved her, perhaps more than she ever knew or more than she was willing to love me, but I loved her.  And time hasn't changed that.  It hasn't made the feeling fade one bit.   If anything, it's made it worse.  It so deep and painful that every time I think about it, it cuts me a little deeper.  One of these days, the wounds will be so deep, they'll cut me right down to the bone and sear my heart.  And when that happens, there will be nothing I can do about it, because it will be too late.  I will be nothing more than a ghost, a figment of the man I used to be. 

It's not like any of them really care.  I don't talk to any of them anymore, simply because it's not worth my time.  She cheated on me—no need to sugar coat it.  They went behind my back because they didn't want to _hurt _me, because they were in _love. _  Right, love.  Like I didn't give her that.  Like I didn't wait two goddamn years before I asked her out because I wanted to make sure the time was right, because I wanted it to turn into something that would last _forever_.  Sure, I was never the philosopher or Mr. Sensitive or the genius that Will was, but I still gave her my love.  I gave her a shoulder to lean on, someone to talk to, someone who could appreciate her, take care of her, and give her the attention she needed.  I think I understood her better than any one did—better than Scout…even better than Will.  I guess she didn't see it that way.  I guess _my love_ wasn't enough. 

Of course, when the shit hit the fan it was all about Scout.  Poor, heartbroken, little Scout.  He knew her for what….five minutes?  How the hell could he love her when he barely even knew her? No one seemed to care that it was _me _she was cheating on, that _he_ was _my _best friend.  All they cared about was Scout and how he was hurting and how he was crushed.  How they would do anything to make things right with him again.   And me?  Well, they said they'd give me time, that they were sorry, but they knew that we'd be able to work through it.  That our friendship would survive. 

Yeah fucking right. 

They tried, I'll give them that.  But after awhile, it seems like they deemed me unworthy of their time or their energy, since I was just the "baseball-player" or the "rebound guy" I thought I heard Scout call me once.  They just stopped trying and it was probably  because I did too.  I didn't want to admit that perhaps they really were in love or that they really did have a future.  So I just…faded into the background.  Maybe I let the little things they did get to me—how they'd be so enamored with each other that they'd just _forget_ that anyone else was around or how they would hold hands as they walked down the street.  I guess it bothered me because she would never do that with me.  Every time I tried, she would squirm her hand out of mine.  I didn't realize it then but it was a sign—a little one—that explained so much. 

She never loved me. 

I should be over her, but how can I be when I see them everyday—laughing, kissing, hugging, happy.  They came back to New Rawley, ten years after they left, so that Will could _teach_.  The guy goes to Harvard, graduate school in England, and then decides he wants to _teach. _At _Rawley.  _Way to get the hell out of this town, eh Krudski? 

They pass me by in the street, as if I'm invisible, as if I'm not standing right there.  But then again, they don't know I'm here, because I left once too.   I had a baseball scholarship, a future without them there to fuck it up…but I did anyway.  And it was because of them.  All because they got married—at 20 years old! Who in their right mind does that?  I wasn't ready for that and didn't want to accept that.  Because that would make it real.  That made it real.  And that would mean…I never had a chance. 

She never loved me. 

I didn't know how else to cope, so I drank more, went to class less, and eventually the scholarship was gone and so was I.  With no money, no options, and nowhere else to go, I headed back to the only place I could—right back where I started. Good old New Rawley. 

I should get over it.  I really should.  I thought I was but now that she's here, I can't escape this feeling deep within me, this part of myself that still lives in the summer, in that year before it all happened, when all was good and free and bliss and new. 

I want to go back to that. 

But it's too late.  And I've lost her and Will and that's pretty sad and its all because I was too proud, too afraid to admit that she wasn't meant for me.  Twenty-eight years old and I am exactly who I never wanted to be.  Unsuccessful.  Ordinary.  Alone. 

Just another townie. 

**The End**


End file.
